Mothers vs Gasoline

Gasoline has always held a special place in my heart. My Mother pales in comparison to what Gas has done for me. Was that rude? Absolutely not. After reading this you will agree. Gasoline is your best friend and nothing will ever compare. (Except a strange vagina)

To begin let’s discuss what Gasoline does and Mother doesn’t. I would never ever go to a rundown convenience store with trashy people just to smell my Mom. Yes. Admit it now. We love the smell of gas. Robert Duval said it best in Apocalypse Now. “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. That smell. That gasoline smell… Smells like… Victory.” Damn straight. He was wrong about one thing though. Gasoline smells good for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Mom? She’s starting to smell musky. Advantage: Gas.

Transportation. Gas gets us around. Before the invention of the automobile an average person would travel no more than 20 miles of their birthplace. In a lifetime! Think about it? Why would you? No Cars? You got a horse? Maybe those rogue settlers that made the trek out west… Yeah, most likely you were stuck in your hometown inbreeding for life. Gas has expanded a once formidable foe (size of the earth) into a joke of a plane flight away. Gas is awesome. I can go to Thailand for a hooker anytime I want now. My penis thanks gasoline. Mom can’t carry me anymore, nor can she fly or swim for that matter. She loses the transportation comparison also. Advantage: Gas.

Burning things! As a kid fire was the best. It’s one of those destructive things you can actually get your hands on. Maybe you had a BB gun but we all know BB guns are for pussies. Fire is slow moving but it can really cause damage. I started off slow. Just getting matches and burning green plastic army men. Then maybe I started to use lighter fluid from the BBQ pit… It worked. But it’s pretty weak. Let’s head to the shed, siphon some gas from the lawnmower and BOOM! It’s combusts like a vampire in sunlight. Best thing ever to burn a house down… Mom didn’t light on fire. She didn’t even like fire unless it was in a fireplace. Advantage: Gas.

Killing Arabs! I’m pretty sure around 95% of Americans are kind of sketchy on the entire Middle Eastern community. This is due to terrorism, ongoing wars and the monopoly of local 7-11’s. Personally, I could care less. I’m not racist. I hate everyone. The wars started because of oil. I’m pretty sure. Not entirely. But pretty sure. With no WMD’s found I’m going to assume its gas. They even lit the shit on fire back in the original Bush’s war. They knew what we were after. So now we just kill kill kill. And Rednecks love it! The Red States just go nuts for killing Arabs and NASCAR. What do they have in common? Gas. Why the hell else would those idiots vote for a Bush I or Bush II? That aside, I know there are some pretty hardcore redneck mothers out there. But nothing compares to the wrath of the United States Military. Advantage: Gas.

In closing we can see that gas has brought us a pleasant smell, cars, a tool for destruction, and killing of innocent people. Mom? She just cooks and has unconditional love for us. I bet if gas could take on a human form it would cook for us and tells us it loves us too. Mom is nothing. Gas is #1.