Mothers vs Gasoline

Gasoline has always held a special place in my heart. My Mother pales in comparison to what Gas has done for me. Was that rude? Absolutely not. After reading this you will agree. Gasoline is your best friend and nothing will ever compare. (Except a strange vagina)

To begin let’s discuss what Gasoline does and Mother doesn’t. I would never ever go to a rundown convenience store with trashy people just to smell my Mom. Yes. Admit it now. We love the smell of gas. Robert Duval said it best in Apocalypse Now. “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. That smell. That gasoline smell… Smells like… Victory.” Damn straight. He was wrong about one thing though. Gasoline smells good for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Mom? She’s starting to smell musky. Advantage: Gas.

Transportation. Gas gets us around. Before the invention of the automobile an average person would travel no more than 20 miles of their birthplace. In a lifetime! Think about it? Why would you? No Cars? You got a horse? Maybe those rogue settlers that made the trek out west… Yeah, most likely you were stuck in your hometown inbreeding for life. Gas has expanded a once formidable foe (size of the earth) into a joke of a plane flight away. Gas is awesome. I can go to Thailand for a hooker anytime I want now. My penis thanks gasoline. Mom can’t carry me anymore, nor can she fly or swim for that matter. She loses the transportation comparison also. Advantage: Gas.

Burning things! As a kid fire was the best. It’s one of those destructive things you can actually get your hands on. Maybe you had a BB gun but we all know BB guns are for pussies. Fire is slow moving but it can really cause damage. I started off slow. Just getting matches and burning green plastic army men. Then maybe I started to use lighter fluid from the BBQ pit… It worked. But it’s pretty weak. Let’s head to the shed, siphon some gas from the lawnmower and BOOM! It’s combusts like a vampire in sunlight. Best thing ever to burn a house down… Mom didn’t light on fire. She didn’t even like fire unless it was in a fireplace. Advantage: Gas.

Killing Arabs! I’m pretty sure around 95% of Americans are kind of sketchy on the entire Middle Eastern community. This is due to terrorism, ongoing wars and the monopoly of local 7-11’s. Personally, I could care less. I’m not racist. I hate everyone. The wars started because of oil. I’m pretty sure. Not entirely. But pretty sure. With no WMD’s found I’m going to assume its gas. They even lit the shit on fire back in the original Bush’s war. They knew what we were after. So now we just kill kill kill. And Rednecks love it! The Red States just go nuts for killing Arabs and NASCAR. What do they have in common? Gas. Why the hell else would those idiots vote for a Bush I or Bush II? That aside, I know there are some pretty hardcore redneck mothers out there. But nothing compares to the wrath of the United States Military. Advantage: Gas.

In closing we can see that gas has brought us a pleasant smell, cars, a tool for destruction, and killing of innocent people. Mom? She just cooks and has unconditional love for us. I bet if gas could take on a human form it would cook for us and tells us it loves us too. Mom is nothing. Gas is #1.

The Apple Army

It has recently come to my attention that we might be under siege from an unlikely foe. Throughout History there have been various villains. Most of you will think of faces like Caligula, Stalin, and Hitler. These faces are all too common and thought of when your mind interprets “An evil person.” History is a great tool. However, History can also distort our minds into thinking the next enemy will have the same face. Times have changed though my friends. Thinking outside of the box and with a fresh set of eyes is the only way to see our next diabolical dictator. Well my eyes are open. Saddam is in Heaven, Kim Jong II is just a blowhard, so who is this mysterious villain? Sure enough, one of our own. Steve Jobs…

Steve Jobs like most dictators had an unusual childhood. He was adopted at a very young age and sent to live in what is now referred to as “Silicon Valley.” Mountain View California to be more specific. He was an impressionable young geek. He wasn’t having much luck with the ladies so he began thinking of ways to entertain himself on those lonely Friday nights. His first job of course was with Atari. Any nerd can get endless gratification through playing video games. Alas, this was not enough for him. He had to create something more powerful. Something that could get him into the mainstream, something for a more diabolical scheme he had up his long black sleeve…

While working for Atari he had a “Breakout” revelation. (No pun intended as that was the video game he was working on at the time) He could reduce the number of computer chips in the game console with a single more powerful chip. Much to the amazement of Atari this actually worked. Knowing he was about the feeble minded employees at Atari he decided to branch off and develop a personal computer. The wave of the future. As we are all aware this worked. He created the most powerful thing know to the modern man. Like it or not computers control our lives. We would be lost without them. Life as we know it would be over. Steve now had his foot in the door. But he needed more technology before he could unleash the ultimate weapon… The iphone.

Over the years Apple began losing money to the giant Microsoft Corporation. This secretly made Steve go insane. Knowing that he couldn’t keep up with the more powerful/user friendly/affordable Microsoft computers he had to come up with something else….. Enter the ipod. This was an easy transition into an mp3 music listening world. He knew athletes would use these devises opposed to a Discman because of their light weight and ability to not skip. The perfect workout companion. He had devised a way to have stronger more popular people in his following. Now he had both the brains and the brawn. A pure genius.

Steve now needed to market his product to larger cliental. His charismatic charm introducing new products made us really trust the man. His smile and traditional black long sleeve T and faded jeans made us think of him as an ordinary guy. This was all a façade. Some employees have used words like “Temperamental” and “evil” to describe him as a boss. Surely I would never think of him as an evil person. This is why I’m here. To educate the public….

Now Steve had everything in place. A loyal following. A basic Monopoly on portable listening devices, and the *cool* people that prefer Mac to Windows… This was the time. He unleashed the iphone. Everyone had to have this thing. It was the best invention since, well, the computer. A phone. An IPod. And a computer all in one. He gave exclusive rights to sell his gadget to AT&T wireless. After much research he decided that the most intellectually advanced people choose AT&T over Verizon or what have you because of their incredible savings. Also, they have the most coverage of any network. Which he would need for his ultimate plan…

The iphone has become part of our society. We use them every day. Little do we know that the iphone’s Bluetooth technology we rely on for hands free driving is also warping our minds? We all know that radiation is emitted from cell phones. No long term study has been conducted to give us an idea what these things are ACTUALLY doing to our brains. Steve created a tool that not only brings him money, has the ability to track you, and can reach you at any time. Perfect for coordinating an army. The waves sent from the iphone pollute our brains with anti-Microsoft propaganda. Little do we know that one day a mass text message will be sent, triggering us, to unleash hell on Microsoft and whatever else he has programmed us to hate. He has created an army. The Apple Army. You can even see people wearing the shirts. You see people driving on the highways with apple stickers. It’s frightening just how many of us there are. I fear the year 2012 will be the end. They Mayan’s were correct. Little did we know a nerd would destroy us all…? God bless all of you and have mercy on your souls.

Equality for men

I’ve been doing a little thinking about fairness to men over the last year. Well, basically as soon as I started to get involved with women in general. Some of these facts will astound and most likely make you furious. You will see that men are no longer in control and have become puppets in a society run by women and their hormones. Let me start by saying I do have sympathy for women. I wouldn’t want my penis bleeding for days on end with a piece of cotton stuck up it. Yes. It is an inconvenience. Hopefully this will educate women on what they do to us is just, if not more unfair. Every Woman’s menstrual cycle varies. Some are light and some are heavy. Some have shorter bloody days than others. Some make a girl horny, some make them sad L. It’s just what their DNA has told their vaginas to do. All that aside we all know it really doesn’t matter. A girl with a 1 day period that has a speck of blood will use it to make a 1 week ordeal from hell out of it. The perfect excuse to act however the hell they want with “I’m on my period” as an excuse. It’s all a lie. Then there’s the PMS. So let’s just assume that an average girl has a 3 day blood bath. 5 days leading up to that are her PMS days. 8 days on average. 8 X 12 is 96. 96 days out of the year? Anyone know what the percentage is? Over 1/3 of the year. This is horrible. This is the time we can count on being treat poorly and can’t have sex. 1/3 of our lives (for those of us who are in committed relationships) Are we fools? Or are we that desperate for love? Now here is something else to look at. Do we ever yell at a girl for being on her period? Maybe….. Just out of frustration for being treat like shit. But we do so in an understanding way. “Aww it’s ok, I don’t mind the blood on my penis, we’ll just lay a towel down.” Now let’s think of when a guy’s hormones get out of whack. Perfect example: Drinking. I don’t know if it really affects testosterone levels but most signs point to yes... Wanting to fight. Wanting to meet girls. Being loud. Taking clothes off to show hairy chest. All signs of the caveman. So. Even if we come home and are perfectly peaceful after a night of drinking we get the shaft. Women sense our hormones are off and abuse us. I’m taking a stand. I’m dating down the menstrual cycle from now on. I will have an alert on my iphone. It will warn me. And by god, I’m going to beat her to the punch. She will think I can also sense the hormone fluctuation which will confuse her. Women know they posses this power and keep it to themselves. So, I will trick her… Ultimately causing confusion and fear that I’ve caught onto it. I will then follow it up with the classic phrase: “Don’t do it again! Don’t do it again! I hate it when you come home on your period!” Change period with drunk and that’s what I get. I’m no math whiz but I do know that 1/3 does not equal maybe 5-10 days out of the year. I know the answer to that math problem though. M=Unfair

The Molson Wolf

A very important day in the history of the world was June 9th, 1961... This was the day Michael J Fox was shot screaming from his mom's vagina into the world. And my friends, since this day, the world has never been the same. I'm going to offend people with this history lesson. But as you all know it is my duty to inform all of you on the truth. Bear with me on this one. I might sound a little erratic but I'll get my point across. So Michael was born in Canada. Edmonton, Alberta, Canada to be more specific. At a very young age he was noted for his outgoing personality, friendly smile, sense of humor and ability to entertain. He was eventually thrust into the world of acting. 7 years old was his first gig on a Molson Ice Commercial. You've probably seen it. He's out fishing on a lake with his Dad who is enjoying a nice cold beer. This commercial was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Sure, it put Michael on the map, but this was the first time Mike tried alcohol. One of the degenerate crew members gave Michael some beer thinking it would be funny to get a little kid drunk. 7 years old. And Mike was drinking. He didn't understand what this magical bubbly drink was. And why it made him feel so damn good! But he loved it. LOVED it. There is no drinking age in Canada at this time. Michaels charismatic charm and cunning ability to manipulate people gave him an endless supply of Molson. His favorite beer. He used very crooked tactics in order to buy the beer… Example: Saying his Dad got fired and sent him to the store to buy a 12 pack. Even though there is no drinking age, 7 years old is a little young to be selling to a kid. Didn’t matter, Michael started developing a little bit of a drinking problem. The alcohol also gave him more confidence which in turn landed him more lucrative acting jobs. At the age of 12 Mike got his big break. Beachcombers the television show gave him a small acting part on the episode "Truck Logger." Word started to spread about his acting ability around the set. He was quickly on his way to stardom. The drinking was also taking hold at this point. He had been drinking Molson Ice everyday for 5 straight years. This stunted his growth and why he is so short to this day. Everything seemed to be going well though. He was landing jobs left and right, making lots of cash.... Life was good. Unfortunately the drinking started to cause some delusional thoughts. He hid his addiction in fear that it could effect his career. He needed focus. He figured he would put everything he had into his first love. Acting. Michael became so consumed with his characters he actually thought he WAS the character he was playing. This became all to evident in the year 1991. This was the year Doc Hollywood was released. The film had taken 2 years to complete. Michael started to believe that he actually was a doctor. So, being a doctor, he diagnosed himself with Parkinson’s disease. He needed an excuse should questions arise about his alcoholism. The perfect alibi. He did not come forth about this disease until years later however…. He saved it for when his alcoholism became clearly evident. 2 movies followed that would push him over the edge. In 1994, ABC released a movie called "Don't drink the water" Mike took this seriously and gave up drinking water. Molson was the only liquid he would drink... Luckily, as we all know cheap beer is so watered down it was possible for him to remain hydrated. Next in the year 1995, Michael was completing a movie named Cold Blooded. Once again Mike took his job very seriously. He started to believe he really was cold blooded. This is when the shaking started. He had no idea that his drinking had gotten so far out of control that it was the cause of the shakes. All along he thought it was due to the cold blood… Suspicions started to grow as he was clearly losing focus and began to star in low budget movies. In a last ditch effort Michael went to the media and came forth about his Parkinson’s. This proved to be a wise move. Public sentiment once again resurrected his career. He began staring in a Television Sitcom named Spin City. The 20 minute shows were much easier for Michael to handle. Short work days gave him more time to drink… Unfortunately, the shaking started to make the viewing audience uncomfortable. In a 2001 survey conducted by Nielsen found that 78% of adults stopped seeing the show as “humorous” and were now feeling sorry for their beloved actor. The solution was clear, give Michael the axe and hire the straight-laced Charlie Sheen. Michael, having never been fired from a show became enraged. He started to howl. He started to howl at the top of his lungs! Never since the days of Teen Wolf had his vocals been so penetrating to the ear.. The Teen Wolf was always his protective personality... This is when something miraculous happened. He focused so hard on the wolf character that he accomplished what he had always dreamed of. He actually turned into his character! Yes, he turned into the wolf. Hair started growing. Claws. His penis became very hairy and grew 10 fold. The remaining cast members on the set began to run in fear. Charlie Sheen tried to subdue the wolf but was far to weak. He was pushed aside as the wolf ran away. Forever. To this day Michael J Fox has not been heard of. Many speculate the wolf returned to Canada and lives in the forest South of the Molson factory. I often sit on my balcony late at night during a full moon. Listening. And I can sometimes hear the howl of the Molson Wolf. Owwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Swine Flu & Cocaine

As we know the swine flu had major outbreaks in Mexico... Where is Mexico located? South of the United States. What’s South of Mexico? A bunch of shit countries that connect down to Columbia. What comes from Columbia? Cocaine. And what does Mexico have? Pharmacia’s where you can get most prescription drugs... Mexico also has a bunch of pigs living amongst the citizens... Now those are the facts.. Here's another interesting one. The DEA just established that 1/3 of all cocaine seized in the United States has a very powerful/dangerous drug called levamisole. The drug intended to be used as a de-worming medicine in livestock. However, it is also believed to increase the happy feeling of cocaine in humans. Thus, less cocaine needs to be taken to get a high quality effect. It has been deemed "The ultimate cutting agent..." Now what they didn't consider is that the drug has been used on humans. More specifically as a way to fight colon cancer. This comes at a great risk because it severely weakens your immune system. You should be in a sterile environment when on this medication. You definitely don't want to be around a shit covered pig. Ok. Now put all that together and what do you get? Mexicans cutting coke with horse medicine, trying it out, weaken their immune systems, live with a pig, and boom. You get swine flu. The disease soon mutates into a human born virus. Cocaine is trafficked into the United States along with sick Mexicans and you have a full blown Pandemic. The solution to this problem is simple. Don't do cocaine and avoid Mexicans. However, we all know that's impossible because #1 cocaine is awesome and #2 Mexicans are everywhere. So err on the side of caution until the CDC establishes a vaccine. Snort prescription pain-killers and avoid Agricultural communities where Mexicans are known to thrive. As the father of 2 children, I thank you for your consideration into this matter.

Welcome

This is the beginning..............