The Apple Army

It has recently come to my attention that we might be under siege from an unlikely foe. Throughout History there have been various villains. Most of you will think of faces like Caligula, Stalin, and Hitler. These faces are all too common and thought of when your mind interprets “An evil person.” History is a great tool. However, History can also distort our minds into thinking the next enemy will have the same face. Times have changed though my friends. Thinking outside of the box and with a fresh set of eyes is the only way to see our next diabolical dictator. Well my eyes are open. Saddam is in Heaven, Kim Jong II is just a blowhard, so who is this mysterious villain? Sure enough, one of our own. Steve Jobs…

Steve Jobs like most dictators had an unusual childhood. He was adopted at a very young age and sent to live in what is now referred to as “Silicon Valley.” Mountain View California to be more specific. He was an impressionable young geek. He wasn’t having much luck with the ladies so he began thinking of ways to entertain himself on those lonely Friday nights. His first job of course was with Atari. Any nerd can get endless gratification through playing video games. Alas, this was not enough for him. He had to create something more powerful. Something that could get him into the mainstream, something for a more diabolical scheme he had up his long black sleeve…

While working for Atari he had a “Breakout” revelation. (No pun intended as that was the video game he was working on at the time) He could reduce the number of computer chips in the game console with a single more powerful chip. Much to the amazement of Atari this actually worked. Knowing he was about the feeble minded employees at Atari he decided to branch off and develop a personal computer. The wave of the future. As we are all aware this worked. He created the most powerful thing know to the modern man. Like it or not computers control our lives. We would be lost without them. Life as we know it would be over. Steve now had his foot in the door. But he needed more technology before he could unleash the ultimate weapon… The iphone.

Over the years Apple began losing money to the giant Microsoft Corporation. This secretly made Steve go insane. Knowing that he couldn’t keep up with the more powerful/user friendly/affordable Microsoft computers he had to come up with something else….. Enter the ipod. This was an easy transition into an mp3 music listening world. He knew athletes would use these devises opposed to a Discman because of their light weight and ability to not skip. The perfect workout companion. He had devised a way to have stronger more popular people in his following. Now he had both the brains and the brawn. A pure genius.

Steve now needed to market his product to larger cliental. His charismatic charm introducing new products made us really trust the man. His smile and traditional black long sleeve T and faded jeans made us think of him as an ordinary guy. This was all a façade. Some employees have used words like “Temperamental” and “evil” to describe him as a boss. Surely I would never think of him as an evil person. This is why I’m here. To educate the public….

Now Steve had everything in place. A loyal following. A basic Monopoly on portable listening devices, and the *cool* people that prefer Mac to Windows… This was the time. He unleashed the iphone. Everyone had to have this thing. It was the best invention since, well, the computer. A phone. An IPod. And a computer all in one. He gave exclusive rights to sell his gadget to AT&T wireless. After much research he decided that the most intellectually advanced people choose AT&T over Verizon or what have you because of their incredible savings. Also, they have the most coverage of any network. Which he would need for his ultimate plan…

The iphone has become part of our society. We use them every day. Little do we know that the iphone’s Bluetooth technology we rely on for hands free driving is also warping our minds? We all know that radiation is emitted from cell phones. No long term study has been conducted to give us an idea what these things are ACTUALLY doing to our brains. Steve created a tool that not only brings him money, has the ability to track you, and can reach you at any time. Perfect for coordinating an army. The waves sent from the iphone pollute our brains with anti-Microsoft propaganda. Little do we know that one day a mass text message will be sent, triggering us, to unleash hell on Microsoft and whatever else he has programmed us to hate. He has created an army. The Apple Army. You can even see people wearing the shirts. You see people driving on the highways with apple stickers. It’s frightening just how many of us there are. I fear the year 2012 will be the end. They Mayan’s were correct. Little did we know a nerd would destroy us all…? God bless all of you and have mercy on your souls.