The Molson Wolf

A very important day in the history of the world was June 9th, 1961... This was the day Michael J Fox was shot screaming from his mom's vagina into the world. And my friends, since this day, the world has never been the same. I'm going to offend people with this history lesson. But as you all know it is my duty to inform all of you on the truth. Bear with me on this one. I might sound a little erratic but I'll get my point across. So Michael was born in Canada. Edmonton, Alberta, Canada to be more specific. At a very young age he was noted for his outgoing personality, friendly smile, sense of humor and ability to entertain. He was eventually thrust into the world of acting. 7 years old was his first gig on a Molson Ice Commercial. You've probably seen it. He's out fishing on a lake with his Dad who is enjoying a nice cold beer. This commercial was a blessing and a curse at the same time. Sure, it put Michael on the map, but this was the first time Mike tried alcohol. One of the degenerate crew members gave Michael some beer thinking it would be funny to get a little kid drunk. 7 years old. And Mike was drinking. He didn't understand what this magical bubbly drink was. And why it made him feel so damn good! But he loved it. LOVED it. There is no drinking age in Canada at this time. Michaels charismatic charm and cunning ability to manipulate people gave him an endless supply of Molson. His favorite beer. He used very crooked tactics in order to buy the beer… Example: Saying his Dad got fired and sent him to the store to buy a 12 pack. Even though there is no drinking age, 7 years old is a little young to be selling to a kid. Didn’t matter, Michael started developing a little bit of a drinking problem. The alcohol also gave him more confidence which in turn landed him more lucrative acting jobs. At the age of 12 Mike got his big break. Beachcombers the television show gave him a small acting part on the episode "Truck Logger." Word started to spread about his acting ability around the set. He was quickly on his way to stardom. The drinking was also taking hold at this point. He had been drinking Molson Ice everyday for 5 straight years. This stunted his growth and why he is so short to this day. Everything seemed to be going well though. He was landing jobs left and right, making lots of cash.... Life was good. Unfortunately the drinking started to cause some delusional thoughts. He hid his addiction in fear that it could effect his career. He needed focus. He figured he would put everything he had into his first love. Acting. Michael became so consumed with his characters he actually thought he WAS the character he was playing. This became all to evident in the year 1991. This was the year Doc Hollywood was released. The film had taken 2 years to complete. Michael started to believe that he actually was a doctor. So, being a doctor, he diagnosed himself with Parkinson’s disease. He needed an excuse should questions arise about his alcoholism. The perfect alibi. He did not come forth about this disease until years later however…. He saved it for when his alcoholism became clearly evident. 2 movies followed that would push him over the edge. In 1994, ABC released a movie called "Don't drink the water" Mike took this seriously and gave up drinking water. Molson was the only liquid he would drink... Luckily, as we all know cheap beer is so watered down it was possible for him to remain hydrated. Next in the year 1995, Michael was completing a movie named Cold Blooded. Once again Mike took his job very seriously. He started to believe he really was cold blooded. This is when the shaking started. He had no idea that his drinking had gotten so far out of control that it was the cause of the shakes. All along he thought it was due to the cold blood… Suspicions started to grow as he was clearly losing focus and began to star in low budget movies. In a last ditch effort Michael went to the media and came forth about his Parkinson’s. This proved to be a wise move. Public sentiment once again resurrected his career. He began staring in a Television Sitcom named Spin City. The 20 minute shows were much easier for Michael to handle. Short work days gave him more time to drink… Unfortunately, the shaking started to make the viewing audience uncomfortable. In a 2001 survey conducted by Nielsen found that 78% of adults stopped seeing the show as “humorous” and were now feeling sorry for their beloved actor. The solution was clear, give Michael the axe and hire the straight-laced Charlie Sheen. Michael, having never been fired from a show became enraged. He started to howl. He started to howl at the top of his lungs! Never since the days of Teen Wolf had his vocals been so penetrating to the ear.. The Teen Wolf was always his protective personality... This is when something miraculous happened. He focused so hard on the wolf character that he accomplished what he had always dreamed of. He actually turned into his character! Yes, he turned into the wolf. Hair started growing. Claws. His penis became very hairy and grew 10 fold. The remaining cast members on the set began to run in fear. Charlie Sheen tried to subdue the wolf but was far to weak. He was pushed aside as the wolf ran away. Forever. To this day Michael J Fox has not been heard of. Many speculate the wolf returned to Canada and lives in the forest South of the Molson factory. I often sit on my balcony late at night during a full moon. Listening. And I can sometimes hear the howl of the Molson Wolf. Owwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!